Quotes,One Liners, & Humorous Thoughts
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Funny One Liners
 
 
 

             

     I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

                         
      If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

                         
     A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope
                       
      I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
                    
     I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes
                    
     It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
                        
      Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
                          
      Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs
                          
      Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken
                          
      A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
                          
      Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry
                      
      This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
                          
      Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop
                          
      The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate --Franklin P. Jones
                          
      Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers
                      
      When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.--Norm Crosby
                          
      The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
                            
      I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman
                          
      The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno
                          
      It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
                      
      Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz
                    
      A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken
                    
      It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867

                        
 
 
 

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

Never answer an anonymous letter

It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours

Few women admit their age; few men act it

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Give me ambiguity or give me something else

We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?


                         
 

 
 

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread

The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Stop repeat offenders Don't re-elect them!

I intend to live forever So far so good

Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery

I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I

I've had amnesia as long as I can remember

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut"

Evolution: True science fiction

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries
 

 

Funny Stuff
 

I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Out of my mind ...Back in five minutes
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

 As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

We are born naked, wet and hungry Then things get worse

Be nice to your kids They'll choose your nursing home

DNA: National Dyslexic Association

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

Eat right Stay fit Die anyway

DARE to keep cops off donuts

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool
 


                         

 
On the other hand, you have different fingers

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

God made mankind Sin made him evil

I don't find it hard to meet expenses They're everywhere

I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back

Don't steal The government hates competition

Humpty Dumpty was pushed

National Atheist's Day April 1st

All generalizations are false

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

Work is for people who don't know how to fish

If you don't like the news, go out and make some

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got

I'm out of bed and dressed What more do you want?

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure

I can handle pain until it hurts

No matter where you go, you're there

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane

It's been Monday all week



                             
 

 
Gravity always gets me down

This statement is false

Eschew obfuscation

They told me I was gullibleand I believed them

It's bad luck to be superstitious

According to my best recollection, I don't remember

The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary

Honk if you like peace and quiet

The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Save the whales Collect the whole set

A day without sunshine is like, night

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Life is too complicated in the morning

We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die

Nobody's perfect I'm a Nobody

Ask me about my vow of silence


                             
 

Amusing Thoughts
 
 
I think that if Aliens ever visit earth, we should act superior to them; I mean, sure they can travel through space faster than the speed of light, but I bet they don't know even one good blonde joke.
      
      When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off. I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy.
      
      I sleep better at night knowing that scientists can clone sheep.
      
      For others who may not know this: When the preacher says, "You may now kiss the bride," he's only speaking to the groom.
      
      I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought.
      
      There are twelve months in the year. That's kind of cool, because it makes life a little more predictable.
      
      Why not drink a whole bottle of battery acid, and THEN get swallowed by a python? Boy, the joke's on him!
      
      If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet??
      
      I think having "MEN" and "WOMEN" signs on bathrooms is a bad idea, because if aliens thought those rooms held standard specimens and went in to record data, they'd get some pretty bizarre examples.
      
      If I ever make it on Wheel of Fortune, I'm sneakin' in my own vowels under my jacket. No way I'm gonna pay $250, especially for a "U".
      
      I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out okay.
      
      And I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings. And I HATE people like that!
      
      There's no time like the present. But a couple of minutes ago probably bore a "striking" similarity.
 


 

Police Humor
 
 
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
      
      "Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
      
      "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
      
      "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
      
      "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
      
      "Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
      
      "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
      
      "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
      
      "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
      
      "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
      
      "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
      
      "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
      
      "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
      
      "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.